while I’m waiting

Today I am really desiring a relationship. Not just any relationship, but a marriage.

An good friend got married today and I am so happy I could explode in a puddle of tears. She was honestly one of the most beautiful brides I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing.

God is really amazing. He has worked on my heart so much that I can confidently say that I am not jealous of her at all. I see God so clearly in their relationship and I cannot wait to experience the beauty of the covenant myself.

I admire how she prepared herself to be a wife before she was a fiancé. I admire how she spent time with God instead of complaining that she was single. I admire that they made the decision to wait for marriage. I love how he leads her closer to God. I admire his boldness in The Faith.

I loved how I could see God in their dating relationship, and I relish in the way He is included in their marriage. The beauty of their union has made me think about my own desire for marriage.

I have to say that for the first time in … well a LONG time… that I don’t want to be married to have sex again (hey I’m being honest – I’ve been celibate for 6 months) or to have a partner. I desire marriage now because I see the beauty of it. I see what God intended when He created marriage in their relationship. I’m really honored that I got to celebrate with them because I really look up to them.

So right now I’m spending time investing in my relationship with God. I don’t think that this will convince Him to bring me and my husband together faster nor do I think it’ll make Him do anything for me. I said this because I honestly used to think this. I would spend time with God hoping that He would bless me or give me something. I would spend a little time with God and expect a blessing. I’m embarrassed to admit this but I used to be so offended when things didn’t work out for me. It’s crazy though because I literally did nothing worth rewarding.

I’m happy to admit that come a long way since then! It would be extremely problematic if I still thought that I deserved anything from God but judgement. So I’ve just been getting to know Him better and enjoying my season of singleness.

You know, writing is honestly SO cathartic for me. I was able to express my feelings and now I don’t even really desire marriage anymore. It’s almost like writing this allowed me to poured out my feelings to God.

I’m not sure if I told y’all this, but God lead me to start this blog. So maybe I can say that this post allowed me to pour out my feelings to Him. I feel a million times better knowing that my Daddy knows exactly how I feel.

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