I am a rather slim person. I am not so slim that folks ask me if I’ve eaten but I am rather small. Like most folks, I’ve had certain parts of my body that I am not the most confident in but overall I like myself.
As I got older, I began to feel less confident in myself. One of my exes told me that he preferred bigger boobs but he essentially settled for me. I have been told that if I had a bigger butt, I’d be perfect.
Last summer, comments like these really weighed on me. I found myself spending a lot of time working out harder and eating less to ensure that I looked smaller. I would do an insane amount of squats and booty building exercises because I desired a specific look. I went into quarantine hoping to gain weight so that I could look a little curvier.
At the time that I’m writing this, I weigh less that I have in … hmm 8 – 10 years? I’ve weighed between 155lbs and 163lbs for a long time. I am actually no where close to 160lbs at the current moment and the way I’ve been eating lately, I won’t get there any time soon.
At 5’9″, I am at healthy weight but I am surrounded by friends and family that have the figures I would absolutely love to have. I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that social media and television, who often show me the perfect bodies that I’ve pined after for SO long, haven’t played a huge part into my dissatisfaction with my body.
With every scroll of social media, I saw women that had small waists, huge boobs and a perfectly perky booty. Their skin was always clear and they had beautiful pouty lips. How could I feel confident knowing that this is what is desired now a days? How could I feel confident knowing that my ex used to watch porn with women who looked like this and criticized me for not working out harder to achieve the look her desired.
I know a lot of these women have had surgery, which hey, more power to ya! However, even knowing that fact made it hard for me to accept my body because then I began to think about if I should get surgery to achieve the body I’ve always wanted. Moving to the other side of the spectrum, we see the women who have literally built their ideal bodies in the gym. As much as I worked out, and trust me it was a lot, I just never looked like them.
So I felt stuck. I wasn’t actually going to pay for surgery and clearly I’m working out wrong. So I figured I needed to accept what God gave me.
So … I did something that felt weird. Before showering I would stand naked in front of my mirror and stare at my body. I would look at the hips I wished were bigger and then look myself in the eyes. As brown met brown, I audibly told myself that my hips are perfect. I did this with every part of my body that I wasn’t comfortable with.
Hips. Breasts. Booty. Thighs. Broad shoulders. Face skin. Everything that I sometimes frowned at.
Over time, I found myself cringing less at this exercise. I found myself feeling encouraged on my short walk from the mirror to the shower. I stopped obsessing over my butt in the mirror and started to admire the lankiness of my arms and legs. I began to embrace my acne scars and my funky eyebrows.
Over the course of 3-5 months, I began to feel differently about myself. I stopped criticizing my body and embraced what I previously considered flaws.
Song of Solomon 4:7 (NIV) says ‘You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. I began to believe that physically, there is no flaw in me.
Sure my skin is acne prone and marks easily but there is no flaw in me.
Sure I have a mild case of scoliosis but there is no flaw in me.
Yes, I have two little patches over my temple where my hair just doesn’t grow but there is no flaw in me.
Sure my boobs are a lot smaller than I’d like them to be but there is no flaw in me.
I could honestly go on and on but I don’t need to. I think y’all get the point.
I really hope this inspires you to be comfortable in your body. It’s not an overnight process and you will feel better about yourself some days while other days it’s just a big blah fest.
That’s okay! It’s going to happen. Just continue to push toward growing to love the skin you’re in.