To anyone who is still somewhat invested in what I have to say, thank you.
As many of you know, I was sexually assaulted in February. What none of y’all know is that I spiraled. HARD.
I’m not celibate anymore. I drank a lot. I even started smoking weed again.
Well Imani, what about the wonderful boyfriend you mentioned? Is he still around? No. While he was still deployed he ghosted me. Then sent me a random message letting me know I didn’t get the hint. Then he blocked me on social media, WhatsApp and iMessage.
In an effort to flee whatever I couldn’t control, I just picked up and moved. I am now a resident of Tennessee. I love the area. I love the like .. 6 friends I’ve made.
This year has been kind of trash if I’m being honest with y’all. I like this guy, a lot, and if I’m being 100% honest I’m terrified at the feelings I have. I am scared that I’m going to ruin this and be forever alone. I’m embarrassed that I’m not celibate anymore. I hate that I even relied on drinking at one point. I am disgusted that I still want just one conversation with my ex. My detective called and let me know that the prosecutor decided not to arrest him.
I don’t think I even like myself right now.
I’ve had 5 jobs in 3 months. I honestly don’t even know how my rent keeps getting paid. I am depressed and joyful all at once.
Talk about confusing.
I know this is a random post but I used to share so much with y’all, I want to be able to do that again. I miss the freedom I experienced from sharing with y’all.
If I’m being honest, I want to cry every moment of every day. Some days I do end up crying from the sheer weight of everything I’m carrying.
I still plan to use this platform as a resource and platform for sexual assault survivors. I just need y’all to be patient with me. I think I believed that because I’ve been through this healing process before that I could just float through it and not let the pain of what happened affect me.
Obviously I know I can’t do that but moving gave me a small glimmer of hope that I could! All my move did was give me a new environment to fight my demons.
Despite all the nonsense and foolishness I’ve experienced, maybe this was what I needed. Maybe I needed to learn the hard truth that God will let me make my own choices (free will duh) and I am responsible for my own consequences. Letting God control my life though? They weight is off my shoulders.
I can’t honestly say that I’ve trusted God much this year. I can’t say that I’ve lived right either. I know what I need to do and I know that I have to stop being scared. Trusting God is only scary when you’re still trying to grab the wheel.
I think I need another reset.
I wasn’t planning to write this post this morning. In fact I was planning to keep ignoring my blog for as long as possible. I think God had other plans for me though.
Someone very special to me wrote a 90 day devotional a few years ago called Peace Amongst the Pieces. I’m going to start doing that. If you’d like to do it with me, let me know! Just click the title and it will direct you to the Amazon page.
I don’t receive any money from this link or the purchase of the devotional. I just really trust the connection she has to God and I believe it will help me to rebuild my own.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But He said to me, “My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”