Sin doesn’t just happen. It happens because somewhere in our minds we have concluded that God cannot be trusted. Most, if not all, of your temptations start with ‘Did God really say?'”Jackie Hill Perry – How Adam and Eve jacked up everything.
hey there – this post contains mention of sexual assault and suicidal thoughts.
May 6th started like any other day.
I woke up, mumbled a quick prayer thanking God for waking me up and grabbed my phone. For the past 2 months I woke up, checked WhatsApp and frowned. I had hoped to see a message from my then boyfriend.
Before I explain every aspect of May 6th, I have to give you the backstory.
J is in the military and we started dating a meer 3 days before he shipped off to Kuwait for a 9 month deployment. We met last August at my cousin’s wedding reception. We stayed up talking until 4am. I won’t lie, I had no intention on speaking to him ever again. As he walked me back to my hotel room, he asked if we could keep in contact and gave me his number.
The ball was in my court.
So about a week later, I sent him a text. I told him that I hoped he was doing well and somehow, that simple text blossomed into a really beautiful relationship. We talked almost every hour of every day.
We scheduled our first date for October 2nd. He ordered a bottle of wine and my dinner and had it delivered to my house. We both dressed up and set up our phones to begin our first official date. By the end of the night, I was a girlfriend.
I relished in my newfound role as a military girlfriend. I waited for his letters and his phone calls. He was intentional and kind and told me that despite his recently finalized divorce, he felt that he was ready for a serious relationship. He shared that he thought we’d be married within 2 years.
My heart was SO full during that conversation. I began to mentally prepare myself to be a wife.
Then February 19th happened and I was raped in my basement. I knew that he was on a mission and had limited internet access so I text him asking him to call me as soon as he could. If I remember correctly, we spoke on the 21st. I shared with him the tough details of my assault and wished that he was there to comfort me. The internet failed a few times during the conversation and we decided it would be better to text.
We sent a few messages back and forth before he stopped responding.
So I sent messages for the next 2 and a half months. I would update him on … well everything. I sent messages, photos, videos and voice memos for 2 and a half months. I never got a reply. I just figured he was still in a place with poor internet. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that he would ignore me.
So the morning of May 6th, I did my normal routine and saw that I finally had a message from J. I opened WhatsApp, excited to hear from my man again.
My heart shattered that day. In a long paragraph J explained that he did not love me, that he did not want to be with me and that he was blocking me so I couldn’t reply. He explained that he wasn’t ready for our relationship and he had essentially tried to ghost me for the 2 and a half months of silence.
I think I’m the only person who doesn’t get the hint that they are being ghosted. I read the message at least 3 times before the tears started to fall. I know that I was blocked but I tried to reply anyway. I tried to text him on iMessage and cried harder as the message came back undelivered.
The man that I believed was my future, was gone. He cut me out of his life like I never mattered.
I dried my tears, took a shower and drove to my big sister’s house to babysit my niece.
I moved to Tennessee that next Monday and had a little dinner with 3 close friends the Saturday before. I’d known DG for about a year at that time. By the time our friendship grew deeper, he was dating someone and I was with J.
My close girlfriend K and I had more than a few drinks and were pleasantly tipsy by the time we left the first restaurant. At the second restaurant we had a shot and another drink. K wouldn’t let me drive home and asked DG if I could sleep on the couch for a bit until I sobered up enough to drive home.
He agreed and we set off for his apartment. I had been there enough times to feel comfortable and I plopped on the couch as soon as I walked in. He gave me some water, set up his laptop and we started watching some show on Netflix. I dozed off for just long enough to sleep off the alcohol and woke up under a blanket. I scooted over to where I was snuggled into his side and tried to follow the show he was watching.
I don’t remember all the details but somehow we ended up kissing. He asked if I was okay with everything and I said that I was.
And just like that, 1 year 5 months of celibacy was gone.
I was disappointed in myself but I really didn’t care. I know God was disappointed in me but I still didn’t care. I had saved myself for my future husband and then he just poof disappeared. So what was the point of staying celibate if my future was gone?
I moved and was involuntarily celibate for about a month until I met D. I met him through a new friend and we hit it off. We started to hang out more and eventually we had sex. Things were … well are (mostly) easy with him. I don’t feel like I have to hide who I am or what I’ve been through.
A very small part of me felt bad everytime we had sex but I still didn’t care. I knew deep inside that I was sinning but I couldn’t find it in me to stop. We didn’t have sex often so I justified my behavior by telling myself that we weren’t doing it enough to really get in trouble with God.
Tonight while cooking dinner, I turned on one of my favorite Jackie Hill Perry sermons. I’ve heard this sermon at least 5 times but tonight I heard it with fresh ears. I heard that my sin isn’t just because my flesh is weak.
It is because at my core, I don’t trust God.
This hurt me. I mean really hurt me. I really felt that I was rebuilding my trust in God but honestly … I didn’t trust that God would fulfill any of His promises to me.
So there it is. That is why I ended my celibacy journey for a few months. I decided recently to try again. I plan to be celibate until I get married.
I know that seeing D again could stir up emotions and feelings. I know that if we don’t work out and I move on with someone new that it presents a whole new era of temptation. I know that my flesh isn’t the only thing that must be strong. My trust in God must be stronger than my desire to sin.
I encourage everyone who reads this to watch that message and really soak in what she explains. I feel like it will change your perspective on Adam, Eve and your personal walk with God.
1 thought on “why I broke my celibacy”
Your transparency and vulnerability is powerful. Love you girl and praying Gods love and strength over you as you walk out this renewed commitment! I’m gonna watch this sermon! I prob need to hear it for my journey too.
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