A few weeks ago I got dumped (for the second time in a year).
You know what makes it worse? We were never official. He was just a man that I really liked and we slept together enough times for me to confuse lust with feelings deeper than like.
Today we had a long conversation about our (read my) feelings, as I’m still grappling with the confusing reality that he not only lied to me but used that lie in his abrupt ending of our ‘relationship’.
I have cried more times than I care to admit over this. On September 7th, I made the decision to be celibate again.
Today I am making the choice to not date until God gives me the go ahead.
The pain I feel right now is a reminder that God never intended this for me. God never wanted me to cry over the umpteenth man who broke my heart.
God’s way was that I’d would’ve waited in Him in the first place; that I never would’ve given my virginity to a man who abused me emotionally, mentally and on very rare occasions, physically.
I don’t blame this man for my dating woos. I have told him time and time again to stop apologizing because I’ve already forgiven him. However, I don’t think I’ve forgiven myself.
I hate that I stepped outside of God’s will and put myself in a situation in which I invited in sin and became best friends with lust. Fornication lived on my doorstep and all too often, I let them in when I was a bit lonely.
So today, October 21st, I’m making a public vow to just simmer down and wait on God.
Imani, why publicly?
Because I know that I can find other women (and men) in the same boat & storm I’m in. See the issue with dating outside of God’s will is that you’ll always get hurt. Always. If they aren’t who God has for you, it will end.
Before the ring or after the vows have been exchanged.
The Bible says that what God has brought together, no man can separate (Matt 19:6 & Mark 10:9). If God wasn’t in the creation of it, I don’t want it.
I’m tired of this dating roller coaster and the emotional gymnastics that comes from being outside of God’s will.
So I’m done. Cold turkey.
The other day I asked God to allow my husband to find me and I felt God telling me that my husband just isn’t ready yet.
And I won’t lie, I was a bit ticked. I’m laughing as a write this because in my mind my husband has had at least 26 years to get ready (and this is me assuming he’s the same age as me). Hurry up sir!
Jokes aside, I don’t want a premature man. I want a man who is mature is his faith walk, his finances, his emotions and his desire for marriage. When God opens my husband’s eyes to me, I want him to be ready so we don’t have to spend years going around the merry-go-round dating when we aren’t quite ready.
So I’m done dating. I’m done flirting. I’m done going on dates! I’ll never had these years as a single woman ever again, so I want to enjoy them.
Me and Jesus. Jesus and me.
Song of Songs 2:7 NIV “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”