clearing out the house

Like most of my posts, I’m admitting a lot of things. This is actually one of the hardest posts I’ve written in a while because I’m purging some deeply internalized things.

I recently found out that another friend is moving into a stage of life that I so desperately desire. I’m actually so happy for them. However, I am mature enough to admit that I am actually a little jealous at this point. I know… I know jealously is wrong and envy is a literal sin but this page is mad transparent and I don’t sugar coat around here.

So here we go.

I will be 27 in February and every year I get closer to 30 I feel more and more like I’m a failure as a woman.

What about me hasn’t drawn in a good man? A faithful man? A man who will lead me toward God and not sin?

I will say though, I blame some of my feelings on church culture pushing this idea that a woman isn’t living out her purpose until she gets married. Not only is this a harmful narrative but frankly it isn’t biblical. I mean, look at Rahab, Ruth, and Mary. Did these women marry? Yes. Did they listen to God and walk in their purpose before a husband? Yes.

I have noticed that any reminder of my singleness leads me to social media. I will literally sit and scroll on Instagram for hours just soaking in the perfectly curated images. I know that the images are just that, curated. The posts are meant to look effortless. I know what I see is meant to be picture-perfect.

I know I need to give these feelings to God. I know that I need to pray and take these confusing emotions to Him.

But Instagram, with its boxes and reels, is so neat and colorful and exciting and stimulating. I try to justify the hours wrapped up in someone else’s life by sticking to Christian pages but deep down I know I’m making Instagram an idol.

I know that I can’t compartmentalize God and put Him in a box to be neat and colorful and exciting and stimulating but booooyyy do I try. The concept of God fitting neatly in the projected perfection of social media is so flawed yet so desirable. How foolish am I, as a human, to think I can put the all-seeing, knowing, and encompassing God of the universe into a box meant to hold the vain egos of those with a few followers in comparison?

Incredibly foolish.

I don’t know know why dating and marriage is my hangup but I’m starting to recognize that I am idolizing dating, relationships, and marriage on top of social media.

It could be due to my shaky relationship with my family and my desire to have a more stable family life.

Or the fact that I struggled with low self-esteem for literal years.

Or the desire to have someone who chooses me, on purpose, everyday.

Whatever it is, the idea of dating and marriage, in my mind, will fill this place of loneliness and feeling like the odd-ball out.

These past few weeks have revealed so much to me about my previous behaviors, and about why I’ve allowed so much of the foolishness that I’ve allowed in the past. Recently, I’ve had quite a few men knocking on the door of my heart and I’ve shut them down. When I was younger I would’ve let the wrong one in, allowed my heart to get broken, and then been mad at myself later for a heartbreak I never should’ve known.

I made the conscious choice to see the yellow flags before they made their way to red and remove myself from the situation. I made the decision to take off the rose-colored glasses because viewing the world through them makes the red flags look just like flags. While I wish I came up with that amazing line myself, I got it a snippet of the show BoJack Horseman. I love this line so much because that is exactly how my past mistakes grew so quickly. How can one identify a potential issue if the issue is hidden in plain sight?

As of penning this post, I haven’t prayed yet. I’ll admit to y’all that I haven’t taken this to God but just know that if this is posted, I have prayed about it. I don’t know how long it will be between me writing this and me posting this but I know it won’t go live until I’ve given it to God. What I’ve noticed, is that as I’m writing this is that God is working on my heart. There is a verse, James 5:16, that says to confess your sins to each other and pray to each other so that you can be healed. There is something so cathartic about sharing my feelings with those of you that read this and engage with me.

The most freeing thing is the combination of confession and prayer. It is refreshing to get things off your chest to a trusted friend or a therapist but to give it to the Creator of those feelings? To me, it’s like the water Jesus promises to the woman at the well. Maybe that is what I need, to drink from Jesus in a different and deeper way.

I’ve been working on being more consistent with reading my Bible and praying because I want to spend time with God and I want to know Him deeper. There is a part of me that no matter how much I pray and think that I’m giving up to God just won’t give it to God. I am holding onto this so tight and I don’t know why. I actually want to let this go.

Maybe this, me writing this down and sharing my feelings, is actually what is needed. So when I go into prayer that chain will finally be broken and I’ll experience true and genuine freedom.

I desire that.

I desire the opportunity to not just loosen the grip on my struggles but to finally lay them down at the feet of Jesus, for good.

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