you must enter a relationship with yourself before anyone else

I wrote this piece in the winter of 2017. This piece has always meant so much to me because it was the first time I started to associate sex with how harmful it truly is when it is had outside of marriage. It took a few years for me to really get it though.

I’ve wanted to share this with y’all for a while but I wasn’t sure how. Today I was hurt in a way that I didn’t think was possible and I realized now is the time to share it.

---

You must enter a relationship with yourself before anyone else.

You can’t date someone until you’ve dated yourself.

Words I’ve heard a million times from my mom

My older sister

My friends

Everyone really.

Hell, I’ve told myself this before. And then I met a handsome man who made me forget that I was dating myself.

And when he hurt my feelings, I ran back to myself only to find

I didn’t know who I was.

So I got to know myself again.

We went to the movies and got ice cream.

We bought new clothes and tried new foods.

We went to church more often and read our Bible.

and then

the cycle continued.

He swept in and stole me from me.

His sweet words and slow kisses made me forget that I was on a path of self-discovery.

His hand interlocked in mine and I felt whole.

I conveniently forgot that I had dates lined up with me.

I forgot that I promised myself I’d be patient.

“God’s timing, not mine!” 

I told anyone who would listen with a smile.

But when I was alone, I craved the attention he gave me. I yearned to feel his lips on mine again.

His arms around me in a sensual hug.

And like always, the castle of bliss we built on sexual tension and surface-level attraction came crumbling down.

I lay there, buried in the rubble of our attraction with a frown on my face.

“What do you mean you don’t like me ‘like that’ anymore?”

You broke me that day. I cried so much my eyes stopped producing tears.

And then.

The best idea I’d ever had.

“Can we keep sleeping together?” I asked shyly.

You agreed happily. Almost too quickly.

Was I ready for something like that?

I thought I was.

But how can a girl coming off a summer of rape and heartbreak be ready to give her body to a man who didn’t understand her soul?

And so once again, the castle we built on passionate nights and scandalous days collapsed and crushed us.

As we climbed over debris filled with jagged rocks and sharp wires, we clashed.

My anger attacked you and you retaliated with carefully chosen words of disdain.

Now we don’t talk.

And I’m back at square one.

So hello me, I’m you.

I like Disney movies and the beach (no matter the time of year)

I enjoy cooking and eating and trying new things and

I love to have sex, but I’m going to hold off on that for a while (2021 edit – until marriage).

I love to write and paint and draw.

I want to get to know you so deeply that we are inseparable.

That we aren’t ripped apart by a handsome man with beautiful eyes.

So young lady, would you like to go on a date?