Cycles

See, the devil, he learns from your mistakes … even if you dont.

Cycles – Jonathan McReynolds

The first time I heard this song, my mind was blown.

Not just by the artistry of the lyrics but by the way it grabbed my bleeding heart and tightened its grip until I couldn’t take it. Apparently, the song is about Jonathan’s struggle with premarital sex, and boy oh boy can I relate.

I really thought I had this celibacy thing in the bag. However, it is easy to be celibate when you’re not allowed to leave your house because of a global pandemic. When the summer of 2021 rolled around, I realized that being celibate was a lot harder than I thought it was.

A few months ago I posted that I broke my celibacy and I won’t lie, it has been incredibly difficult to maintain that choice. I won’t lie to y’all … I’ve slipped since then. I’m currently celibate and have been very strong in that decision.

Dating in 2021 (post-breakup) was hard for me because getting to know someone and building that connection can turn into one time, and then the next time turns into a few times and before you know it, you are friends with benefits.

The Bible says that the sins of our fathers (parents or grandparents) show up in the laps of their children after them (Jeremiah 32:18 NIV). The older I’ve gotten the more clear it has become that I am not fighting sins that are explicitly my own. Someone, somewhere in my lineage, struggled with the things I struggle with.

Someone didn’t break the chain on lust

fornication

lying

anger

and now these things are in my lap, struggling to surround me and keep me in the toxic cycle of sin until it leaves me to encircle my children.

And I for one refuse to have my sin manifest as a porn addiction for my daughter or a cheating problem for my son.

The knowledge that I can break those cycles through God’s power is amazing but the knowledge that I can create new cycles from unchecked sin is a heavy burden to carry.

It stops today.

There is power in the matchless name of Jesus to break these cycles.

I cannot do this by myself and I can admit that. There is something so pure about crying out to Jesus that you cannot do this alone. That you need Him and His strength to do anything.

Lately, I’ve been living better. I barely cuss, my struggle with lust is largely under control and my patience has increased greatly. It feels good because I can see the fruit of the Spirit growing in my life. I can see the changes in my life that would’ve been unrecognizable to me only a year ago.

I know I have a long way to go but I’m on the right track.

A common theme in my blog is my desire for marriage and I realized recently that it is such a blessing that I am not married! I couldn’t imagine bringing my past sin and shame into a covenant to pass that on to my children.

I’m choosing today to call on the name of Jesus to BREAK these cycles.

God loved this wicked sinner enough to allow His Son to die. Knowing full well I could’ve chosen to spit on his sacrifice and walk in my sin straight to hell. I could’ve lived my life without God and effectively chosen an eternity without Him as well.

Oh but His sweet grace and amazing mercy grabbed me at the well of my shame and wrapped me up in love.

Isaiah 43:1-2 NIV says ‘but now, this is what the Lord says — He who created you, Jacob, He who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.”

This is what the Lord says — He who created you, Imani Michelle, He who formed you, Faith who resembles God*: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.”

Jesus loved me so much that He died for me. He loves me so much that He can and will break the cycles I’ve willingly danced with for years. He is willing to interrupt the dance and give me a partner that will lead me faithfully. I’m willing to leave my sin and shame behind and embrace the arms of my faithful Savior.

40 days into 2022 and God has already moved so much out of my life. He has not called me sin, but my name.

He has called me His.

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*Imani means faith and Michelle means who resembles God