Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation
In August of 2019, I wanted to die.
I just couldn’t go on anymore.
I locked myself in the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. Curious about what my parents would find in the morning. Curious about the conversation they’d have with my sisters and brother. Curious about how they’d break the news to my Nana.
What would they tell my godmother? How would old friends find out? Would my dog miss me?
I gripped the scissors and prepared to take my own life when the thought to reach out to my therapist crossed my mind.
At the time I thought it was my brain just delaying the inevitable but now I know it was nothing but the Holy Spirit. Her phone was usually off that late at night but by the grace of God, it wasn’t that night.
I called her and told her what I wanted to do. How I wanted to die. How I wanted the pain to just … stop. How I was ready to take my own life.
It took almost an hour but she convinced me to go to the hospital. So I woke up my parents and we went to the hospital very early in the morning.
I stayed in that hospital room for 17 hours. During that time I cried and told God time and time again that I didn’t want to live. I may have even asked Him to just let me die.
I couldn’t do it anymore. The broken parts of me were too much to bear.
“I need you to keep going,” God whispered as I went in and out of sleep.
“God… I can’t. I don’t want to,” I remember saying with half-lidded eyes blurred with tears.
“I need you to.”
I made the choice to live that afternoon.
Not for me, but for God. He told me that He had great things in store for me and frankly that wasn’t enough. I chose to live because God spoke directly to me.
Just hearing His voice was enough for that moment. In that moment I knew He saw me.
Tonight we had a prayer night at church. I’ve been exhausted since last Friday and driving 20 minutes to church just seemed overwhelming. Regardless, I chose to go.
After praise and worship, one of the pastors called for testimonies.
So I walked before my brain could convince me it was a bad idea. I didn’t even have a testimony on my heart but God was adamant that I go up on that stage.
So I went and while I stood in line, God brought this moment back to my memory in a new light.
I never thought I’d see 25 or 2020. I never thought I’d see what God had for me. I never thought I could find peace on this side of Heaven.
I turn 28 in about a month and I just celebrated the start of 2023 with friends. I’m the school teacher God called me to be. I have found excitement in life. I no longer hate living.
I shared my testimony through tears and a leg that wouldn’t stop bouncing because of fear.
But I did it.
Living is but a small part of the victory God has spoken over me. Living is simply the prerequisite for what He has in store for me.
Tonight I met a woman whose friend is standing on death’s porch and is tempted to knock. Tonight I met a woman whose son was so depressed that he almost ended his life. Tonight I met a man who shared with me that a woman in his small group is suicidal and severely depressed.
Tonight God showed me the immediate use of His power through my testimony. God showed me that my voice matters!
Revelation 12:11a says ‘They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony”
This passage is referring to the victory heaven has over the devil. Verse 12b says ‘He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short.’
My testimony has caused triumph in my life. My testimony, combined with the precious blood of the Lamb, has caused triumph.
I have victory over satan through Christ Jesus. I have victory over depression through Christ Jesus. I have victory over anxiety through Christ Jesus. I have victory over lust through Christ Jesus. I have victory over sin through Christ Jesus.
And you can too.