no bondage

Happy March!

I am currently in the middle of God fulfilling mad promises in my life and I cannot wait to share the full testimony with y’all!

On the last Monday of each month, the women at my church get together for a potluck, worship, ministry, and prayer. The topic this past month was ‘What is love?”

I’ve been asking God to send me women of Him because I need serious accountability in this next season of growth and change. I know that God is doing something but I’m not sure what it is yet. So I want (and need) Godly women around me so I can stay on the path God has for me.

With this in mind, I make a point to attend these potlucks because I know I won’t find these women sitting on my couch. While at church on Monday night, I felt led to ask for prayer. I went up to K, a friend on the prayer team, and explained my situation.

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Trigger Warning – the next section of this post discusses sexual assault. Please be gentle with yourself and don’t read if you’re not in a good place.

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In February of 2021, I was raped in my parent’s basement. I’d never admitted this out loud before asking K to pray for me, but I have held onto a lot of guilt since then. I don’t think his actions are my fault but I’ve been believing that my allowing him access to me made me deserving of what happened.

I have been mostly consistent with journaling since March 2020. The pandemic was literally raging in Michigan and I needed an outlet. So on March 31, 2020, I felt God telling me to block, among other men, the man who would become my rapist. So I did. We didn’t really interact again until June. We worked at the same company and somehow we ended up talking again. If I remember correctly he reached out via teams and we hung out or something. I’m looking at my journal now and on June 8, 2020, I start an entry with ‘I almost had sex with __ last night. So now I really have to block him again.’

I think deep inside I knew he was bad news but I didn’t know how bad. That summer I was just frustrated that I slipped up and allowed myself to be put in a position like that. Now I think God’s Spirit may have been yelling for me to just listen and protect my heart and my body. I only ever saw him as a friend but I had been abstinent for 6 months and the urge was strong.

So when I unblocked him again a few months later, it wasn’t weird and I made a point to keep clear physical boundaries.

On February 18, 2021, I turned 26. I invited this man over for tacos and tequila. There was so much snow on the ground and a lot of snow was still falling. I had invited over other people but no one else was able to make it. Looking back now, God is so intentional. From the weather to this man’s hesitancy to come out in the snow. Knowing what I know now, these may have been ways out but I didn’t see them as anything but normal behavior for Michigan in the winter.

Sometime between 11 pm and early morning on the 19th, he raped me. I was drunk and frankly just exhausted so when I came to during it happening, I genuinely believed that I was imagining things. The next morning I gave him a ride home, came back, showered, and went on a friend date with one of my closest friends, C. All day I had complained about my hips and my throat hurting. I couldn’t put my finger on why they would hurt the way they did. We stopped in Marshalls where I ran to the restroom where a condom fell out of me. Suddenly the things I imagined became very real. I finished the plans of the evening so as not to alarm my parents and then C and I spent hours in a police station and in a facility meant to complete rape kits.

I did not realize that 2 years later I still believed it was my fault. I believe that a survivor is never at fault for what happened to them but deep down inside, I thought this was my fault. I thought that unblocking him made God mad at me and this was punishment. As I type this, I’m purging a lot of thoughts and feelings because I didn’t realize I thought God was punishing me for being disobedient. I didn’t realize that I’d been holding onto this pain for years.

I shared with K that God showed me the guilt I was holding onto. She prayed over me and then said something really interesting. I may not get it 100% correct but she said guilt and anxiety over a past situation means we haven’t really given it to God because if we did there would be no guilt or condemnation or shame. When I heard her say that, I felt a spiritual weight drop off of me.

There is no bondage in Christ Jesus. I have been sitting in unlocked chains for too long. Today I choose to get up and shake them off.

I’ve been listening to No Bondage by Jubilee Worship as I write this. This song is nothing short of incredible. The lyrics remind me of God’s promises straight from the Bible.

Romans 8:1-2 (NIV) says Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.

I am choosing the combat the lies of the enemy with God’s truth. I am choosing to walk in freedom from guilt and whatever sin I’ve chosen as a measly substitute for God’s forgiveness.

I am choosing to stop allowing the enemy a place to convince me that I am unworthy of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and peace.

When Jesus’ physical body was weak and tempted by the enemy, Jesus clapped back with The Word of God. As I grow closer to God and grow more in my walk with Him, I realize just how important knowing God’s Word is. I can’t combat the lies if I don’t know the truth.

God calls me forgiven (Colossians 3:13). God calls me His child (1 John 3:1). God calls me loved (Romans 8:38-39). God calls me a co-heir with Christ (Romans 8:17). God tells me that He was intentional about creating me (Jeremiah 1:5). God tells me that He is keen to protect me (Psalm 121). God calls me blessed for believing He will keep His promises (Luke 1:45).

These are just seven of the hundreds of promises in the Bible.

I encourage you to dive into the Word and allow God to use His living Word to soothe and heal you.

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Dear God,

I pray for the individual reading this. I thank You for being intentional in how You created them. From outside things like their race, gender, or height to the inside things like their kind heart or desire to help people. Lord You know the purpose You have for their life but the enemy has convinced them that their past shames and guilt can stop Your purpose. God I ask now that You remind them what is written in Romans 8:1-2. The chains are already broken for those who know You. Remind them that condemnation and shame are not qualities of You but of the enemy. God if someone who doesn’t know You is reading this, please soften their heart to desire You. Please reveal Yourself as the ultimate salve for a wounded soul. Give them peace and show them that You are indeed the right place to be.

In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.