grief is ugly

If you keep up with me on instagram, then you know that my Nana passed recently.

Her death is my first taste of grief. I’ve taken so many sips from this bitter cup and I truly just don’t have the words at times. When I’m around people I can honestly say that I have peace because I know she is in Heaven. At the same time, today I realized that I might just be a little bit depressed knowing that she is gone.

I’m having a difficult time knowing that she isn’t here on earth anymore. I’m having a difficult time processing the suddenness that is death. She was 94. She lived a good long life and truly served God. Her desire to be with Jesus heavily outweighed her desire for anything else. She gave me a wonderful example of how to live for Jesus in every single moment.

My Nana is… I guess was… my favorite person. She would spend hours studying scripture, praying and watching Christian TV shows. She had the funniest sense of humor and loved to play cards. She loved gingersnaps and crocheting.

Even right now I’m sitting on the couch, the same spot I’ve been in for a few hours, and I’m just so aware that she is gone.

Other than praying a lot, I don’t know how to process this feeling. If we are being honest, prayer is one of the best ways to handle this but I feel like I don’t know what else to say to Him. God Himself shared with me that my Nana is with Him and that brought so much peace but I’m just still so incredibly sad.

Grief is ugly. Grief, as a believer, is bittersweet. Grief is sudden. Grief comes in waves.

A few hours before she passed, I was on the phone with my mom. I asked her how much time she thought my Nana had left. For some reason, if my Nana could make it to August I would be able to have peace. I don’t know why August was the time in my mind and heart but I clung to that desperately.

My mom said that she didn’t think so. Living in another state meant that I didn’t see the way my Nana declined. I know the harder details of her final weeks.

So we hung up with each other and I went to the sink to wash dishes.

“God… I don’t want to be selfish. If You’re ready for her to come home. Take her home.”

Within an hour and a half she was gone.

I sat on the floor and screamed and cried. I shared the news with my spiritual mother and she prayed over me and my family.

That day I cried at the tiniest things. It rained and that made me sad. My pizza came out wrong and that sent me into gut wrenching sobs. Someone said her name and I lost it.

Even now thinking about that day I’m crying.

I think I hyped up August in my mind because I thought that maybe she would be able to meet her grandson-in-law if she could hold on until August. If I’m being honest, which I’m really trying to be, I have been walking through life the past few weeks on autopilot. I can think about what I’m doing but just barely functioning is is how I’m handling things right now.

I’m spending a ton of time on my phone. I’m eating too much. I’m not eating enough. I’m sleeping too much. I’m not sleeping enough. I’m communicating well. I’m not communicating at all. I’m trying to check on my mom and aunt, who take care of her in her final months while simultaneously trying to figure out grief on my own.

I literally don’t know what I’m doing right now. God is helping to heal me and when people ask, I answer as honestly as I can. I’m at peace and I’m not at the same time. I’m comfortable with God and terrified to take this to Him because He has already shared with me that she is with Him. I know that I can keep talking to Him about it. I know that I can. My patience is wearing thin in places that I normally have incredible patience in.

I miss my Nana so much. I miss the fact that I can’t call her randomly now. I miss that I can’t share what God has done in my life. I miss how she would tell me not to say that I’m tired but to say derit because ‘words have meaning and you have to confuse the enemy. Don’t you claim being tired.’

I just miss her so much.

If I can be even more honest, I’m a little frustrated with God that my Nana didn’t get to meet her future grandson. And I’m not frustrated because I’m not trusting God. I’m frustrated because God told me that this would be the year for me and my partner and I just really thought that He would keep her to meet him. I still trust Him with literally every single thing, I just really wish that she could meet him.

I’m just sad.

I’m sad.

Sad.

On Monday I have to go back to work and I’m a little nervous. Let me stop lying. I’m very nervous. I have had an entire week of just spending time with God and talking to Him about my feelings and my desires.

I honestly don’t know how this looks. I’m not checking it for errors because I’m just trying to process my grief in a healthy way.

Please be praying for my family, specifically my mom and my aunt. Be praying for me please.