accountability is hard but necessary

Trigger Warning – I mention rape in this post.

This is something that I haven’t wanted to talk about. I’ve actually never wanted to discuss this publicly but I feel like I need to finally fully address this. I talked about this a little bit in the post ‘no bondage‘ but I didn’t go into full detail.

The really difficult part about maturing in my relationship with Christ is that sometimes I have to go back and take accountability for some of the things I blamed God for.

With that in mind, in March of 2020 God asked me to block the man who would go on to rape me a little under a year later. I unblocked him a few months later because I didn’t really believe it was a big deal. So when everything happened that next February, I immediately found it in me to blame God.

How dare He allow this to happen again?

How dare He not give me a heads up about this man?

Why would He allow me to go through this again?

I know for a fact He knows I’m still healing from the previous times I was violated.

When I look at this situation from a more spiritually mature mindset, I realize I’ve been going about it very wrong. I can’t blame God for the choices I made. God gave me a direction and while I originally obeyed it, I chose to ignore that direction a few months later.

I bring this up because I recently began to develop some feelings for someone. God gave me a vision of the man that is to be my husband (we will discuss this at a another time because whew its a doozy) so I know this new man isn’t the man I’m supposed to be with.

I was so frustrated with God having me wait that I started to grow a little resentful.

I started to blame God for my singleness. I have been so ridiculously impatient with God this past week and a half. I remember praying and asking Him why He is still withholding my husband after telling me who he was. I couldn’t understand why He kept telling me ‘soon’. I was ready to pursue something with someone who I knew wasn’t my husband just because I was (and am) so sick of the loneliness that comes from being single.

If I’m being honest, I still don’t understand the delay. It could be that my husband still has to work on some things. It could be that I still have to work on some things. It could be that both of us are being disobedient and don’t really know it. It could be that we are both fed up with being single and are willing to entertain someone who isn’t who we should be with.

Whatever the reason, I have to believe that maintaining my faith in God will extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one because scripture says so. I have to believe that God isn’t lying to me because He is God and God cannot lie. I have to trust God with my future husband. I have to trust that my future husband is also trusting God with me.

Singleness has been hard on me.

This is a topic that I literally spend so much time talking about. Over time, I’ve learned how to really lean on God. I still struggle. I still question God’s timing. I still make up little scenarios about how we’ll meet.

But I’m doing that less and less. I find myself leaning into God and my community. I find myself observing the Kingdom relationships in my life and seeking God because if He does it for them, He can do for me.

I realize that the man God is fashioning for me will be able to handle my ups and downs, my joys and pains, my traumas and my successes. I honestly believe the enemy is attacking me so hard in my singleness because when I connect with the man God has for me, we will impact the Kingdom of God.

I absolutely believe that we are going to be change makers on this earth. So I’m enduring singleness because when I transition into marriage, I’m starting a new assignment. I pray that I’m learning what God has for me in my singleness. Yes, its hard but I know I can do it as long as I have God and good community.

This past week one of my best friends and her husband prayed over me. They brought me flowers. She made sure I left my house and didn’t wallow in self pity or sink into a depression. Singleness IS hard for me, I won’t even lie, but it is a little bit easier when you have a friend walking with you and making sure you’re not staying down. I look at their marriage and I’m reminded that God does still write beautiful love stories. I look at their marriage and I’m reminded that God will remember me as He writes countless more stories. I prayed for women that would love God and love me and God went above and beyond. I’m living in the middle of an answered prayer and I’m so grateful.

I think it’s harder for me right now because I know that I’m close. God has made that abundantly clear.

Even with growing in my faith, I still have to acknowledge that I have put myself in some situations that, I’m sure, have delayed what God wanted for me. I have to acknowledge and understand that while God is sovereign, my decisions can impact how His will plays out in my life. If I am not walking in His will, I can’t be mad when I’m not seeing His promises come to pass. God’s will coming to pass in our lives requires a life of obedience.

So now I just have to keep my faith until that man of God enters my life. I have to walk in obedience for the rest of my life. I have to accept that God doesn’t forgot the promises He makes.

So accountability is hard.

Maturing in Christ is hard.

Tithing when I’m already not making a lot is hard.

Praying when I’m having a difficult time trusting God is hard.

Reading my Bible when I’m tired is hard.

Holding my tongue when I want to lash out is hard.

Living for God is HARD…

… but it is what God has called me to do.

Jesus lived here on this earth so I could know that I can also live on earth and take accountability

so I could be mature,

so I could give God what is His,

so I could trust God,

so I can continue to study His Word,

so I can speak life instead of death,

and so I can actually live for God.

So this is me taking accountability for the past few years. I have claimed to trust God but haven’t lived it. So God, my community, my friends… I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I haven’t lived the life I claimed to live.

I trust God with my eternity so I know I can trust Him with my future on earth.

I’m no longer accusing God of leading me into bad situations. I am no longer bond to the choices I made outside of Christ.

Luke 15:11-31 tells the story of the Lost Son and I would encourage you to pause this and read the parable.

I have frankly embarrassed myself with my actions this past week. I came back to God in an embarrassed state. God loved me even with the stench of distrust on me. He hugged me with the filth of my desire to overstep Him.

Admitting my struggle puts me in a humble place. Admitting my struggle makes me look weak from a earthly perspective but today I’m choosing to look at things from a Kingdom perspective. Scripture says in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 that when I am weak, then I am strong in Christ.

So, I will learn to rejoice in my struggles.

I will learn to rejoice in my hardships.

I will learn to rejoice in my difficulties.

I will learn to rejoice in my weaknesses.

Father… Thank You. This past week was humbling and eye opening. I cannot do this without You. I cannot do this without You guiding me. Lower me so that You would be elevated. That is simply my prayer.

In Jesus’ Name.


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